Scared

My last post was all about mood swings and I’m here to tell you that it it still on. But I’m letting it go bit by bit. I’ve been struggling with different sickness in this year with the swollen lymph and the infectious intestines, I’ve admitted to the hospital twice in 2014, And this doesn’t sound good.

What am I afraid of? Cancer? Some sickness that can’t be cured? Well, all of them. I’m so scared that I’ll leave this world without achieving something in my life, like graduated from my bachelor degree, go overseas and work and to see aurora that I dream to see since I was 10.

On top of that, I wanna be happy. I wanna have a week in my life that just filled with happiness and laughters, of course you’ll say that happiness is within yourself, but, we know that there will still be some outer source that will take us down eventually. My new year resolution is to make new year resolution until 70. Is that too much to ask? I hope not.

Maybe staying at home makes me depress, my closest friends know that I’ve been depressing from the moment I know I couldn’t study abroad, and yes I’m still depressed until now, But depression is one of the biggest cause for cancer and I need to just suck it in and digest. Not that I would wanna deal with depression than cancer, but it would cause CANCER. I just wanna stay calm.

I always think that I don’t deserve happiness, looking around my friends’ life and compare them with mine, I don’t feel happy. People always ask me to think of the people who is worse than you but how can you do that when you’re depress, the same concept like how to stay awake when you’re drunk, you’ll only be awake when you’re sober.

I wanna stay awake, forever. At least until 70. Please.

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Life and my karma

This post will start with a little bit of my mood ebb, I promise it will get better at the end of the post. I guess I will start with what happened earlier this afternoon, I attended the last week of my Leadership in Asia tutorial, was amazed by numerous presentations, they were so fluent in expressing their body language and in the presentation content. Obviously they were not amateurs but still, I’m AMAZED by their presentations. So at the end of the tutorial I got back my group report results, which is a 48% (out of 100%). I was stoned, shocked, sad and many other mixed feelings rushed up my brain and every other parts of my body, I felt that I couldn’t breathe… I think I should take in some blame, because I should have a thorough check before I hand it in. On the journey back home I was really really down, I couldn’t believe that I failed my assignment.

Told one of my closest friend in the world and another closet friend in the world approached me, and both of them comforted me in positive and warm ways. Suddenly I feel that although those words were normal, “You’ll get better”, “Don’t worry, work harder”, aren’t these normal? But when it came out from people who really loves you, I think no matter what they say, I will still feel warm and loved. So, thank you Iffah and Myra, you have no idea how much I appreciate the friendship I have with both of you all, I love you both!

Come and think of it, life is just another journey that proves a living of a human being, everyone disappears eventually, we will leave this world. We don’t need everybody to remember us, but if we have the people who we love to remember us even when we’re gone, that’ll be great, in fact, isn’t this the purpose of life? A Harvard graduate still can be unemployed, a doctor still dies, a teacher can swear, we’re just normal human being, don’t be framed by any names, positions and powers that we earned, remember, it’ll be gone.

A funny question that is usually asked? “Do you believe in karma?”. I think even if you don’t believe it, when you think back, it does exist. I remembered last semester I kept make fun of one of my friend (actually it continues till this semester), I pinpointed his attitude towards his work and studies, but as time goes by, I found myself not attending tutorials, skipping class and having last minute study too, I guess karma does exist. Now I always remind myself that whatever goes out from your mouth, it comes back, it does, so be careful.

I’ve been struggling with multiples mood swings, I can be happy or sad in just a short time. So I guess I should just study hard now and have a effective and efficient (hopefully) review on myself.

Emotions

 

 

 

I recently got stroked by an unexplainable emotions.

I’m still finding out due to what that I’m upset about, and what shit just killed my dopamine. 

 

Nothing fancy nor interesting in my university life as it goes longer, just classes, studies and tutorials. Okay, maybe the ‘interesting’ thing is I got appointed as group leader in my management tutorial. Now, things went through my mind. First of all since when I’m born with the ‘group leader’ face, second of all, I have to learn how to deal with people whom I only see once a week. 

 

I know all these sound like ranting to you, but is not like anyone will read my blog anyway, so I can say what I want. Another thing, since when studying abroad become the ‘in’ thing? The heat of studying abroad is just like when Chatime just got into Malaysia. Now you see there’re less people now in Chatime because 90% of the customers already packed their bags and went abroad to study, if that make any sense. 

 

I’ve always wanted to study abroad, like I WANT IT. I was hoping to go Sydney but things went wrong and I was told to pursue my degree program in Malaysia. Let me tell you something, my failure to study abroad will be one of the biggest regrets of my life. Then I will have people telling me “Nahhh, don’t you worry, you’ll have the chance, or you can go work in other countries.” And again let me tell you, what position are you in to tell me that I will have the chance? Even me myself don’t ever think of it anymore and even my parents don’t think of sending me abroad anymore. Then, is working in other countries different that studying? Yes, it is DIFFERENT. One is work and one is study. Study means that you literally don’t have to worry about your financial status when you’re abroad. Well, some people have to work to pass time or some really need to earn some pocket money, no matter what, studying abroad means that you’re not under heavy financial pressure. 

 

Sorry I just have to rant. Then only I can focus on studying and more. 

 

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I came across the Harper’s Bazaar best 40 denim looks, Kate Moss is definitely on top of my list. 

 

I have to go,

University life.

I recently started my uni life, I was told by numerous people that uni life is fun and full of experience. This week is my week 2, no so much of fun yet. Yes I met a bunch of cool and friendly friends, they helped me in so many ways. I’m also glad that I have my high school junior who happened to be my uni senior to sell me cheap textbooks.

First, applying to Monash is just a pain, they have so many restrictions and rules. I’ve never been through that in Raffles, so it was kind of hard for me. Because I’m so genius, I got serious food poisoning before the orientation start s. DO NOT EAT THE SUSHI FROM 1UTAMA JUSCO FOOD COURT, DO NOT.

Coming to a new environment freaks me out, I’m used to a small compound when I’m studying my diploma. In Monash, everything is magnified, I mean how many student we have in Raffles, 600? In Monash you meet 6000 people, that’s literally 10 times more, oh wait it’s exactly 10 times, ahhh my math. In uni, everything is on yourself, enrolment, library resources, making friends, tutorials, lectures, timetable allocation, you have to everything alone, no more spoon fed.

It’s good in a way that I have to learn how to be independent, others are learning at 19, and I’m already 21. So, luckily I met nice friends, now we’re practically sticking together during lectures. Unfortunately, for tutorials I’m all alone, but you make more friends, now you walk to every where around the campus you’ll be like “oh, hi!”.

I think is the Chinese blood, the competitive characteristics is somehow implant in us, is just the matter of more or less. For me, my Raffles friends have taught me how to be relax in every matter, there’s no need to rush, and no need to be so competitive. And I arrived in Monash and everyone is so competitive. Not my group of friends, they’re nice and chill. I mean other than that, come on, nobody wants to help me during timetable allocation. Everyone is busy arranging their ‘perfect’ timetable, which I don’t get it because every each student has 9 classes. Well, is just the matter of days that you’ll be in the campus.

In fact, I was stressed by those little little things. Now I’m all good, and here comes the  study part. I know that studying ahead is good, but is this strongly encouraged? I mean I have textbooks as thick as a dictionary. Does that mean that every of my off-day I have to sit in my room reading something that lecturer hasn’t covered? I mean now I do, by looking at those people in my tutorial class. They’re well prepared. Maybe that’s why they’re so good in everything.

CLUBS ANS SOCIETIES, do I even have time to participate in those? I mean I would like to participate in Chinese Society (i was high when I found out that there’s one), and some sports thingy and of course rock climbing. I think I’ll just wait for my second semester.

Does all this sound like complaining to you? Oh no, I’m just ‘stating’ facts, don’t worry, I’m taking it all in and I’m definitely arranging my time well. I miss my Raffles peeps already.

10 Things About Living Abroad: No Turning Back

Something funny but true. Sometimes you just need to do something by your own, and experience it.

Thought Catalog


Moving around the world teaches you many things. It isn’t for everyone. It takes a special type of person to be able to do what we do. Packing up all your things into two carry-on bags and two checked pieces of luggage is struggles in itself, and to generalize imagine being a woman! I could only bring 10 pairs of shoes! Your mother will go through that luggage and make you narrow it down to seven cardigans instead of 17 and she will remind you that those shorts still don’t fit and haven’t fit for 3 years, you should probably just let them go. Along with letting those shorts go you are also letting go of friendships, relationships, comfort.

A wise man told me that the reason we move to new countries is because we are either running from or running to something. I laughed and thought he was crazy…

View original post 478 more words

Love.

I finished my internship back in August and yes I’m still slacking at home. The reason why I slack is because I’m still unsure about my future (to those who are very sure about their future, congratulations), I’ve been talking few of my best friends about my insecurity towards my future. Some asked me to continue to study while some ask me to work.

Seeing people so determined at their work or studies drives me crazy, and I even came out with this ridiculous conclusion, “do not study diploma”. And yes, I never felt so true about a statement, because it left you hanging, people who doesn’t have enough money but wants to study will end up working their whole life, they might have the money after a few years of working but the desire is not as strong as before. Well, people who has the money to continue their study, Good Luck! But don’t waste your parents’ money and study hard because you guys have the chance that some people wouldn’t even have.

Watched a few movies during my slacking period and I’m glad that I found some interesting ones.

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Photo credits to http://www.300mblink.com

“While you were sleeping ” was a romantic comedy of two people, one is collecting tokens at the train station and one is a worker in a furniture business, from how they met and how they communicate, my conclusion was: IT’S SO 90’s !!! Back then everything is so pure and simple and straight forward, unlike now, people are being so selfish, lack of patience and realistic.

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Photo credits to http://www.imdb.com

“Julie and Julia” was more of an autobiography but it was filmed in a very interesting way, talking from 1949 in Paris until 2002 in Queens. Meryl Streep is such an excellent actress, the way she talks and how her voices changed amazed me so much because she gave a character its own soul in every movie she did. Julie and Julia both have two similarities, they’ve got interested in cooking and man who loved them.

Guess I had made up some parts of my mind, I’m taking up French in mid November, it’s been a dream to learn French and now I finally have the chance to soak my self in some French words and their ambience.

Procrastinate

I have been staying at home for more than two months, that made me became very lazy. My life is practically with my laptop, TV and bed. Hung out with some friends during these two months but not often. I have known to be very depressed these few weeks, maybe I don’t have many friends to talk with, and depression just hit me unexpectedly during nighttime. Not sure how to express my depression in a healthy and efficient way, so I am always full of negative thoughts, hope this can stop as soon as possible.

 

Anyways, I decided to learn French. I have been dreaming to live in Paris, but before stepping forward to my destination, language must be taken care of, I don’t want to live there with my broken French.

 

Question: Am I a loner?

I have been questioning myself as well as my college friends, Natasha a good friend of mine met me in a shopping mall and the first thing she said to me was: “You are always alone!” That wakes me up actually, let me review my life from high school, hmmm, I don’t have many friends to talk with and I always go out alone. Watch movie alone, drink coffee alone, eat dinner alone and many more, which is why I don’t get those people who is seeking gym buddies. You can just GYM alone you know, you don’t need to be accompanied always.

 

I have no plans to start anything, neither study plans nor work plans, well except for the language class. I guess I’d better me making plans before Chinese new year, before all my relatives giving me suggestions that they think is very useful but actually is very useless.

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Left: Gucci, Right: Saint Laurent. 

Current addiction. 

SICK

I’ve been very very sick these few days, not sure why but lymphs are swollen like very swollen, I couldn’t even swallow anything, that’s how sad it is. Thanks to the lifesaver antibiotic, now I’m getting better.

Had a pre-birthday celebration with daddy on last Sunday (his birthday is today), Sunday was horrible, I wanted to shop badly but due to the fever and body ache I couldn’t even walk properly, but I did manage to grab a few stuff before I got really sick in the mall.

ImageThings I bought before I’m still in the I-can-walk-by-myself situation.

Then I spent two days at home by just resting on bed and bonding with my new lappie 🙂 Basically spent my days watching Triumph In The Skies 2, loved the first one better though.

ImageBought myself some new books to read, finally got some time to read after all the hectic work I’ve been through. ImageI love my speakers, honestly these speakers are cheap, like less than RM55 if not mistaken and it was on sale! Trust me, Logitech is good enough, don’t have to spend hundreds and thousands of ringgits to buy those extravagant speakers, these will work just fine for you. Image

Rainbow for you before end of this post.

AH93.

Everything has an end

I promise I will make this post less emotional. So this Wednesday is my official last day in J Store, and everything is making me so emotional that day. How could you believe that I have seen my colleagues more than 16 hours a day on Monday and Tuesday? 

I am really grateful that I got to work with professional and dedicated colleagues in this company. We have been working closely in past three months, especially with my beloved manager Kak Dewi, she taught me so many things that I could only use my hard work to return what I have learnt from her. Although there were like hiccups throughout the past three months, but I would say I experienced a lot. From the opening of boutique to fashion shows, from pre-order to raya collections. All this would not be successfully accomplished if there weren’t the existence of a good team. 

Well, I am gonna talk about my birthday to be less emotional about me leaving the company. I have got a MacBook Pro for my birthday! 😀 That’s the electronic gadget that I have been wanting for so long! 

My 20th birthday is full of presents and wishes. Thanks papa and mama, friends and colleagues for the presents and wishes. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart!

 

Wonder.

I’ve been working for so long and today my boss talked to me and asked me to stay, and…. I decided to stay until Hari Raya. Under a condition, I must get a day off on my birthday. If my boss asked me to stay two weeks before, my answer would be: HELL NO. Let me update you, last Wednesday morning I went to work like a normal intern and when I was about to reach my workplace I banged a BMW 7 Series. That was my first time banging someone’s car (hopefullly is the last time too, touchwood*), and it was the ultimate & series. 

 

Paid freaking RM800 for 3 little scratches and RM1,000 for the repair for my car. So I went home and cried. I planned out everthing so well, I am gonna use the allowance I get from Internship and travel around Singapore and now everything has became SHIT. Wonder why am I in such bad luck. My parents were nagging and nagging and NAGGING.

 

Conclusion? I decided to working longer than I planned in order to get more money. I have never been to Singapore and I am going to use the salary I got from work to travel. I planned to go on 31st of July and come back on 3rd August as I still wanna celebrate my birthday here. Now plans have changed, I’m going to Singapore after Raya and hopefully with some of my friends.

 

When your up, your friends know who you are. When you’re down, you know who your friends are.

 

I cannot agree more than that. 

Foo.