Scared

My last post was all about mood swings and I’m here to tell you that it it still on. But I’m letting it go bit by bit. I’ve been struggling with different sickness in this year with the swollen lymph and the infectious intestines, I’ve admitted to the hospital twice in 2014, And this doesn’t sound good.

What am I afraid of? Cancer? Some sickness that can’t be cured? Well, all of them. I’m so scared that I’ll leave this world without achieving something in my life, like graduated from my bachelor degree, go overseas and work and to see aurora that I dream to see since I was 10.

On top of that, I wanna be happy. I wanna have a week in my life that just filled with happiness and laughters, of course you’ll say that happiness is within yourself, but, we know that there will still be some outer source that will take us down eventually. My new year resolution is to make new year resolution until 70. Is that too much to ask? I hope not.

Maybe staying at home makes me depress, my closest friends know that I’ve been depressing from the moment I know I couldn’t study abroad, and yes I’m still depressed until now, But depression is one of the biggest cause for cancer and I need to just suck it in and digest. Not that I would wanna deal with depression than cancer, but it would cause CANCER. I just wanna stay calm.

I always think that I don’t deserve happiness, looking around my friends’ life and compare them with mine, I don’t feel happy. People always ask me to think of the people who is worse than you but how can you do that when you’re depress, the same concept like how to stay awake when you’re drunk, you’ll only be awake when you’re sober.

I wanna stay awake, forever. At least until 70. Please.